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I don’t know how many of you have heard of/played a game dungeons diving through Rappan Athuk in whatever system, but for those of you who haven’t, I warn you, there are spoilers ahead about one of the toughest monsters in the game. No, not Orcus, that guys a pansy compared to . . .

Rappan Athuk

. . . the Monsturd.*

Yes, there is a monster made out of feces in Rappan Athuk. Try not to think about it too hard, it’ll only hurt.

The point is, out of all the things Valeria and Cailean’s Aces fought in Rappan Athuk, the Monsturd gave us more trouble per gram than anything else. Our first encounter was mostly spent running away from the darn thing, since we couldn’t figure out how to damage it.

The second time was worse.

Valeria, Jerek, Elias the summoner, and Isern are doing what they do best–arguing–while trying to figure out how to avoid the Monstrud, since apparently it’s wandering the halls somewhere in front of us. The problem is, not all of us are that quiet about it. Elias miserably fails a stealth check, and the Monsturd comes after us. Fortunately, there was a pit between us and it. That would hold it, right?

Wrong; this is mistake number one.

The Monsturd fills the pit and begins to climb its way out. We decide since there’s more ground to lose the monster in past the pit, so we’re going to jump it (while the Monsturd is still in there).

This is mistake number two.

Elias makes the jump but the Monsturd bursts upward out of the pit and engulfs him. Valeria, swearing the whole time, desides to take a flying leap in after him in order to tackle him mid-leap, pull him free, and land safely on the other side.

This, much to my/Val’s surprise, worked perfectly.

Jerek goes to leap around the monster and over the pit–and fails his roll terribly, diving headlong into sentient poo.**

Val, in a serious lapse of judgement, has Isern and Elias tie a rope around her and dives in after Jerek.

Pro Tip: If one of your teammates is being eaten by a Monsturd, don’t go after him. Resurrect him later. You see, the Monsturd’s only real attack (aside from the fact that it’s acidic–don’t worry, Val had Protection from Acid before going in) is a crushing attack. One that makes it almost impossible to move. Meaning Val was now stuck, and while she comes close to breaking free, she’s also pinned up against Jerek, which upped the difficulty to “impossible.”

Meanwhile, Isern and Elias get engulfed themselves.

It is Elias who ultimately frees us . . . by summoning fire eidolons.

Let’s do some math!

Fire + Methane (from feces) = BIG EXPLOSION.

So, the Monsturd explodes–with us in it–and we all take an ungodly amount of damage. We survive . . . our food supply doesn’t. It’s all been contaminated. Since this was the first time Isern and Jerek actually bought more than three days of supplies, this was particularly aggravating.

The most annoying thing is, the Monsturd is only mildly inconvenienced by the explosion. It starts reforming immediately after it gets blown up!

The moral of the story? Well, there’s an obvious one which I think you all can guess at: _____ happens.


*In no way does Adventurer Misadventures endorse the movie of the same name. However, we do endorse terrible puns.

**“Sentient poo . . . ” words that prove what a high-quality blog this is.